My Mum

The first time I knew anything was wrong, was just before going to work one day I was sat having a cuppa with my adoptive mum. We were having a perfectly normal conversation and an advert for a comedy show (the name of which escapes me now) came on tv. My mum turned round to me and said
"I want to watch that because I am in need of a bloody good laugh"
Her voice broke and mum started weeping. I walked over and gave her a big hug and we talked it turned out that she had been feeling more and more down over the past few months and had no idea why.

Mum decided during our chat that she needed to go to the doctors and discuss it with him and that's exactly what she did. The Doctor's opinion was that maybe losing her mum and the family dog over the past 8 or so years, work commitments and my dad having a heart attack had all taken it's toll and prescribed a dose of anti depressants.

Over the course of the next 6 months, mum took her tablets but still the feeling of desperation would not leave her.
"Maybe it is the menopause" her doctor suggested, she was 51 after all. She was placed on HRT in the hope that they would straighten out her feelings. Still the desperation continued.

My sister had been on holiday to the Dominican Republic with her fiancee and mum had said that she would pick them up on their return. I was on a day off from work and decided as I had an hours peace, I would jump onto the playstation and have a game. Suddenly there was a hammering on the front door. I pressed pause and got up to go to the door. when I opened the door I was met by the face of my sisters fiancee panic stricken, his face white, which considering he was heavily tanned from his holiday was quite a feat.
"Your mums had an accident you had better come quickly"
I ran as quickly as I could down the lane to the road at the bottom and there was mums car side on in the road with the front left hand side smashed in. Turned out she had clipped a parked car as she was driving down the road and swore blind that she never saw it there. Mum had banged her head on the roof of the car as it spun but after being checked over by the paramedics they let her go home without a hospital visit.

Three days later mum was giving me a lift to a friends house in my dads car when she didn't see the car in front stop and drove albeit slowly, straight into the back of it.

Two days after the second accident mum and dad went off to Salou, Spain to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary, a two week break to relax and relive their honeymoon to Minorca all those years before. On the day they left mum and I had a blazing row, I was on my way to work and I barked some kind of abuse at her and slammed the door shut. Justifying it to myself on the way to work by thinking that given two weeks to calm down while she was away and we would be as if nothing had happened.

A couple of days into the holiday I received a call - you know the sort, "We arrived safely, we're having a good time"
Only that wasn't exactly the way the call went. I spoke to mum first and she was having a good time but informed me she was feeling a bit dizzy on and off. However when my dad came on ad mum had wandered off to look at something he told me that mum was acting really weird, she kept asking to go to the beach and then as soon as they got there she was saying it was too hot and wanted to go back to the hotel and that she would stumble from time to time as they were walking. He told me
"Somethings not right but I just can't put my finger on it"
The call ended and that was that.

On the Sunday morning I was sat with my 4 year old son watching kids telly when the phone rang, it was my dad
"Listen your mum has been rushed in to hospital"
My stomach instantly rushed up into my throat, he went on to explain that mum had started being sick in the previous evening and they thought she had a bit of spanish gut. This went on and on and mum got weaker and weaker as the evening went on, by the early hours ad was having to carry her to the loo. She finally fell asleep but th next morning dad couldn't wake her. He went down to reception to organise a doctor to come and see her. The doctor took one look at mum and said
"I don't like the look of this, I need to take her in to hospital for some tests"
Dad sat with mum as they did the tests and the doctors informed him that she had an until now un diagnosed brain tumor and that it had started to bleed.
"It was like someone turning on a light switch" said dad "it just all made sense"
The doctors had put a drain into mums head to try and reduce the pressure and it was now just a waiting game. I told him to back and be with mum and to be strong and the call ended.

I stood up told my son I would be back in a minute, walked outside lit up a cigarette and cried my heart out. I was 25 years old and had never felt pain of this nature however I think it was my way of coming to terms with the thought I may never see my mum again. I composed my self went back in side and carried on as if nothing was wrong for my sons sake.

The next day dad phoned again, mum had regained consciousness and had been talking about me and my son who had started school that day. The doctors had said that they needed to drain the fluid from mums brain and stabalise her and would then operate to remove the tumor. It was a risky operation and there was a 50 50 chance of survival and if she survived an even greater chance of there being brain damage, how severe that damage would be they couldn't say but at least there was hope.

On the Tuesday evening the phone rang and I was informed that mum had slipped back into unconsciousness however the doctors had said that this was a good thing because it meant she was fighting it. They also told my dad that it could be weeks maybe months before mum was stable enough for her operation and maybe he should think about flying home until such time as she regained consciousness. Dad was really upbeat and in turn made me feel positive. At that point I heard that there was a knock on dads hotel door and he said he had to go and answer it and would phone back in a bit.

The phone rang about two hours later. "I'm really sorry to have to tell you but your mum has died" The knife slid into my heart, I felt sick, I felt angry, I felt, well I felt a million and one emotions in a second and then suddenly. Shit and dad is out there on his own and I was brought back to reality. My dad had gone down to the hotel reception to take a call and it was the hospital saying that he better come to the hospital and could he take my mums passport with him. He knew what to expect, I don't know how he made that journey or how he walked into that hospital but he did and was told the inevitable that mum had lost her fight and slipped away. He spent a bit of time just sitting with mum before coming back to inform me.

Dad spent three more days in spain whilst they arranged a flight home for him and mums body flew back 4 days later.

I am writing this not to depress anyone or to try and upset but because firstly, although I was very angry for a long time that this went un diagnosed for so long and in fact until it was too late and therefore mum never got the chance to fight it. I am also very glad that she never had to live with the fear that she had cancer. It must be awful to spend the final months/years of your life in absolute terror that you might die.

Secondly, the last time I spoke to my mum face to face was in anger and I will never forgive myself for that. It is not something that I can ever go back and change. I want everyone that reads this to think the next time they are having an argument with someone that they love more than words can express, that this could potentially be the last time they ever speak to them and are these the final words you want to remember saying to that person.

With hindsight if had my time again I would say "Can we agree to disagree because you are off on holiday and I don't want to ruin it for you. I will see you when you get back" ..."Oh and mum I LOVE YOU!!"




A more detailed account of these events will be in my book Lost and Found.